Day 9

Another day.
I'm trying to make this new life style work, but it's not working. I chatted with my guy about this last night and he had all these great ideas as to what I should/could be doing. I can tell he really is trying to help me in a supportive way but for some reason I am just not responding well. He told me that maybe I need an eye opener to make these changes a real life style...my response...I've had the eye opener but I'm still the ol' me.
Ok, I know I said I wouldn't get into the details of my past but it's time to let it out. (Wow, it only took 8 days for me to give in!) It's not that I had a tough childhood, it was different. My parents emigrated from Slovakia when I was 4 and took a demanding job where their employer was hesitant about them having a child. They became the housekeeper/chef and landscaper for a wealthy family and they were worried about a small child potentially wreaking havoc on their collectible-full house. So I was on "lock down" in my room for the most part; not being able to run around, play outside, have friends over, or do other activities. I really think that this is the reason for my laziness. Now, I don't think I'm lazy. I think I am just comfortable with doing nothing, stemming from my childhood. I thoroughly enjoy doing things and am normally an outgoing active person. But this move to another state and not having a job or friends is making me resort back to my old ways. And I'm not going to lie, it's nice. For once to not have to worry is nice. But let's face it....this isn't going to last.
I need a job
I need to help my boyfriend support us financially
I need to get out of the house
I need to get a life!
And now that I have this time, I need to make the most of it. Now is when I can spend the needed time "fixing" myself and doing what I want/need to get my life in order. When I do finally get a job, I won't be able to do the things that I should be doing now. So why am I not doing these things?
What else has to happen in my life to make me want to change?
I've been unemployed since January of last year. In the meantime I have finished my Master's Certificate from an accredited university, moved to another state, went to visit my family overseas twice and basically became a homemaker. My guy (let's call him by his name, shall we?), Craig, is desperately trying to convince me that I have accomplished a lot in this past year but I just don't see it. I'm frustrated with myself for not doing the many things I could be doing in this "free" time.
I think I'm scared. I know I'm scared.
Scared of putting myself out there on the job market and being rejected. It's been so long since I have worked in my field and I am having my doubts. I miss it terribly, but I am second guessing myself if I have chosen the right field. I guess no one knows whether or not they are in the "right" field, but I got my Master's Certificate, so I might as well try my luck in. Well, unfortunately for me, I chose a field that doesn't really exist in this new state I am in. Museums in New Jersey.....that's a long shot. We live too far from NYC to commute (4 hours a day in a train is not my ideal) but Philly might not be too far (a little over an hour by car). And locally there are a couple of museums but they either don't have openings, I'm not qualified for the positions, or they are just plan boring. I know that at this point, I need a job. Almost any job will do. I was on unemployment for a year and then when I moved to NJ I had to cancel it. Now I am dipping into my savings to help pay the bills and even though I am in somewhat good shape, I hate that I am slowly depleting my savings. So I need a job. Badly. But I'm not putting in the effort I need to get a job. I had lots and lots of excuses. Too far, not high enough salary, not qualified, not interesting enough.....I could go on. But it's time to get serious. It's not fair to Craig. I do my share in taking care of the house. I do a good part of the day to day everything but now it's time for me to kick in more financially.
Anyway, that has nothing to do with my new lifestyle....oh wait, yes it does!
It's quite the vicious cycle I'm in. I'm depressed because:
I don't have any friends
because we don't go out
because we don't have any money
because I don't have a job
because I don't have any confidence
because I am not eating well and not exercising
and I am depressed.


So as I am sitting here, on the same spot on the same couch yet another day, I realize that it's 3 pm and other than the blog I really haven't done anything constructive today. Another wasted day? Maybe not. I'll try to make the best of the rest of the day. I have a phone meeting at 5:30, other than that....I will try.

7:30 - Woke up
10:30 - TV and internet research then oil pulling
12:00 - Snack -- 2 pieces of chocolate to hold me over as I am making pasta
12:30 - Lunch -- Whole wheat pasta and sauce
3:00 - TV and research and emailing friends -- I need to change something, this can't go on
4:30 - Snack -- A handful of Pringles
5:00 - Walk around the block and phone meeting
6:00 - Snack -- small chocolate and marzipan ball
6:30 - Dinner -- Barefoot Contessa meal (hey, it's hard to cook every night!)
8:00 - Tea and TV
9:30 - Sleep

In Conclusion:
Meals: 3
Snacks: 3
Water: just under 2 liters
Vitamins: No, again
Exercise: No, well, 2 times about the block (about a mile)